Here I am, back from the wonderful weekend away in Mid Wales.
The TEAM panel spent two wonderful days in Elan Valley. We spent our weekend, accompanied by a lot of food like we know it from our mother's kitchen and even more tea, discussing the YEAR 2 wrap party and its outcome, and our future as TEAM Panel.

When we arrived at the lodge I was rather confused and exhausted.
Having spent the past weeks writing a dissertation on the role of the spectator, I found that my brain was fairly empty.
After I'd explained to Anna, Tula, Maeve and Devinda in the car, that I'd read up on the Bibliography of Giangiacomo Feltrinelli, I decided that silence might be the way forward for me.
However, good food and Jan's story about her time as a pumpkin, saved my day and were a great introduction to the weekend that should follow.

I love spending time with the TEAM panel. 
Since my University course is finishing this summer, I am scared that I will lose the benefits of spending my days in an environment of learning, challenge and constant change; an environment that inspires and pushes me.

In fact, I am terrified. 

I don't know what life outside of education is like.

Really (apart from one year I took out), ever since I remember, my life has been ruled by teachers,assignments, deadlines, rules I followed, mostly without questioning, until I was taught how to question. And last, but surely not least, university professors. 
I don't understand what Council Tax are and why we have to pay them. I know that I  have a degree in theatre and that, apparently, there are no jobs.I don't know the different areas in Cardiff, I call Canton Carton. I don't know if I have any skills and at the end of my course, I have more questions than I had three years ago.

I am terrified.

This weekend, I listened to their stories: to Kelly who gave up her day time job to become a freelance writer, it must be one of the most terrifying things one can do, but she did it anyway.
To Tula who works full time and still attends every possible course and workshop about photography.
To Jan, who never worked with teenagers before and now runs a film club with them.
To Terry who works and fights so hard for a community that has been so harshly disappointed before.
And these are only four examples, all of my ten fellow panel members plus Devinda and Anna have inspirational background stories. Listening to them reminds me again and again how strong and hard working they all are, have to be, in order to set foot into and survive in the industry we are all part of.
This weekend, for me, they were the inspirational and challenging environment that I'm so afraid of losing.

So, when I came home, I informed my landlord that I would move out.
For weeks I was debating should I or should I not? What should I do after Uni? Should I stay in Newport although there is not much theatre happening? Should I just get any job? I was worrying about becoming comfortable, about standing still. I worried about losing a life, the life I have known for the past three years. Where would I go? What would I do?

I was petrified.

Now,well I am still petrified but also I am also relieved.
I would love to say to everyone, who is in the same position as myself, that it's going to be okay, because it always is.
But, really, I don't believe that.
I don't believe that things are always going to work out, that we'll always find a way to be happy with the situation. I believe we make mistakes and sometimes, we walk off into the wrong direction.Sometimes we even run.

I don't know what is going to happen, where I'm going to end up, whether it will be Carton or some place else, but I know that I want it to be in theatre, about theatre, surrounded by theatre. And I figured that I'd only know whether I am going into the right or the wrong direction, if I actually start moving, in my case, literally. 

So, I'd like to share something I read today with everyone who finds themselves in the same situation as me:
 “The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” C.Joybell C.

Well, thanks to this great weekend, I'm going to throw myself.
What about you?
 

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Comment by Dan Lloyd (Flameholder) on May 15, 2013 at 20:54

You got it right with that end quote. Just go with the flow.

Comment by Jan Miller on May 13, 2013 at 0:51

When you told me your plan to hand your notice in to the landlord Christina (as early as Saturday lunchtime I think) - it inspired me to make something change too. I wasn't joking when I said I wanted to go back to Cardiff with you all - so, my tiny (crucial), change is that I've decided I have got to stop driving myself mad with that thought; listening to all of you, we are all changing everyday, it's never easy wherever you happen to be or whatever stage you are at in your life at any given moment and, having the advantage of having "thrown" myself many times and jumped into scary possibilities all my life, it really is a big jump but it always does lead you to your creative self and more wonderful encounters than you can possibly imagine.   I feel so fantastic today for spending the weekend with you all - all that creativity, positiveness and possibilities, despite the economic doom at the moment - I loved it and thanks to you all, I feel my energy's come back - I've just done a quick storyboard for a short film on the geography of Prestatyn (mainly for Budd's benefit), and perhaps for me to look at the place I actually live in with through a new frame.  AND I've had a (slow) walk back from town looking for possible performing spaces for the Film Team members who want to write and do more acting than filming - would love to have done it dressed as a pumpkin but there was nobody I trusted enough to squeeze me through the doors - Thanks for a wonderful weekend and inspiring me too Chrisitna! x

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