Last Thursday I opened my new show "Something's Wrong with Abel" at Chapter, in front of an audience of folk who were kind enough to clap at the end of what I have to say was a rather "baggy" piece of theatre.
I know it’s profoundly unprofessional to talk disparagingly of ones own work but if it’s the truth, it’s the truth. And to be fair there were holes in that fist night big enough to park my Citroen in and that's a big car. It is of course quite normal to have a ropey opening show but what was difficult for me is that it wasn’t just the material that didn’t hold together, I was ropey too. I panicked. I absolutely lost my control of the event and threw energy at the performance, none of which stuck, until by two thirds of the way through the performance I was all but worn out. I haven’t felt or behaved like that in a long, long time.
I came away from the night feeling somewhat amateur and as if I’d let my collaborators down.
It was just around this point that I was reminded of how lucky I am to be where I am. Within 18 hours I’d had conversations with other artists who’d not only seen the show but had also seen the struggle. These friends and colleagues offered egoless and candid advice and gave support both emotional and practical to someone who could be easily perceived as a competitor in a tiny and under resourced industry. This kind of support is not easy to give. There is always risk involved when approaching someone in a vulnerable position and it’s vastly easier to just stand by and watch as they spiral and eventually crash. I didn’t have to ask. This priceless support was given freely and proactively by members of a community of which I am proud and grateful to be a part.
Within 24 hours I’d worked with Paul, Joe and Trevor to effectively transform the show. Having had the help identifying those theatrical parking-space sized holes in the material AND with the invaluable character / performance observations, I now feel proud of what I and the fella’s have made rather than afraid of it.
So thank you Chums, thank you so much. I look forward to being able to return the love, either directly or by fuelling the community as a whole.
I guess the lesson here is that there is more support close to hand than I (and I suspect many of us) realise and that people not only can help but actively want to help. I feel rankly stupid saying this since helping someone else to achieve their goal is something I gain a huge amount of personal pleasure from – why should I think that anyone else is different? We are all a lot more alike than we assume.
So I’ll end this rather rambling blog entry (and my first actually) with this advice.

In the words of Captain Malcolm Reynolds of the Firefly class transport ship Serenity:

When you can’t run you walk.
When you can’t walk you crawl.
And when you can’t crawl, you ask a friend to carry you.

Shiny
Gerald.

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Comment by Siân Thomas on October 11, 2009 at 6:18
hey gerald, got to see the show again on friday, so firstly, thanks for doing the extra late nite session for us!
i was at your first night and, as i say, again on friday and do you know what? i really enjoyed both performances.
having the opportunity to do a 2 week run has clearly allowed you to develop and hone the work, that is a rare thing these days when most venues are only offering one or at most two nights for shows, but really, you shouldn't feel badly about the first night, as an audience, we were happy with what we saw even if it was clear that a few problems needed to be looked at, that's how it always works no?
i'm very happy to have had the chance to come back in the second week and see the work evolve and, once again you 'sold out' - must be 'cos we like your work otherwise we wouldn't be coming back all the time!
Comment by Kevin Lewis on October 11, 2009 at 1:59
Unfortunately we couldn't get in to see the show on Sat night - even though we got down to number 2 on the returns list!! - and it is great to read your blog where you are sharing your feelings of doubt and vulnerability- it sure struck a cord with me - there is something terrifying about making work and daring to present/share it with an audience. Sometimes I feel I would rather work in a library stacking books and hiding. Opportunities to talk/share our respective processes and work methods particularly the difficulties we face can only help us grow and support each other as artists. In the inimitable words of Sam Beckett -"where I am ,I don't know, I'll never know , in the silence you don't know , you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on." it feels much less lonely knowing that other people go through similar struggles and angst. When will you be performing it again ?
Comment by National Theatre Wales on October 10, 2009 at 11:41
I saw your opening night Gerald, and yes there were some holes, though more Ka than Citroen sized. And there were also truly glorious moments. I felt privileged to see both. We are pushed so hard to make shiny commodities; it is a great relief to see something that is still finding its form - and doing so with such integrity and insistence. I felt similarly about James Roberts's Wardrobe Diaries recently. Both shows left me glad to be living and working somewhere where artists are daring to fail and more often than not succeeding nonetheless.
Comment by Ellie Carter on October 10, 2009 at 8:34
I'm sure they are happy to help Gerald, I think this industry is full of this priceless support. Every show I've worked on in fact. People are lovely.
Comment by Guy O'Donnell on October 10, 2009 at 5:52
Hi I attended a meeting today at NTW to discuss their ning site. One of the topics of discussion was feedback and critical evaluations of each others work. It's great that Gerald gives this honest response to his work and processes. The NTW site could really help this process develop in a positive way and allow us all to contribute to the development of our artforms.

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