http://http://www.forkedtheatre.co.uk/#!forking-thoughts/c298

I’ve recently returned from a long weekend in Madrid. It was lovely, thanks for asking, but the main thing I’ve come away with is a pressing need to start a movement here called ‘Brits for Tits’- a tit for all weathers, a tit for all occasions.

That’s the problem though isn’t it, tits aren’t for all weathers, if it’s chilly one is less inclined to reveal ones whiter-than-white breasticles. They’re not like those lovely sun-kissed titties with brown erect nipples, glistening in the sun. That’s right- European tits. The best.

But the best thing about them by far, is not their sun-honeyed hue, it’s the sheer variety of said tits on display. Bear with me.

Go to any beach or swimming pool in France, Germany, Greece or Spain, and all variety of lady; young, old, fat, thin, sexy, nerdy, grumpy, happy will be…what I like to call: ‘titty-bathing’. Bikini tops off ladies, this is the time for an all-over-body tan. If the guys can do it, so can we. Why should only women suffer the indecency of a dodgy tan line? But best of all, ‘titty bathing’ is a normaliser. An equaliser. A method by which to de-sexualise women’s parts. To de-objectify women. Still with me?

From a British point of view the act of topless sunbathing can be seen as provocative and inappropriate, but spending time around such a wide variety of tit, comfortably displayed by a wide-variety of women, I came away feeling that this is a way of being that we Brits need desperately to adopt. The first breasts a young teenage boy in Britain are likely to see (after his mother’s) are in pornos, page 3 and films, and from those sources he will see something that is almost exclusively presented in a sexualised context. It will be an image of what is deemed to be the perfect breasts. One type only. Western breasts. And the breasts of this decade too; I think I’m right in saying that today’s breast ideal differs from say… a ‘70’s breast’, which was more of a pointy spaniel-ear, or a ‘50’s breast’, which was positively triangular. Breasts, it would appear, are fashion items, used only for…a-hem…titillation. This is becoming more and more true as even breast-feeding mothers are shooed and tutted out of public spaces, because it’s considered to be inappropriate. Inappropriate to who? Some sick jerk who gets a rise out of it?! It’s equally damaging to teenage girls who judge their own breasts against those popularised in modern media, often making unreasonable comparisons between themselves and the ‘norms’ on display. The truth is that those ‘norms’ are such a small percentage of the fantastically varied breasts us ladies are able to develop that it’s an unrealistic (and damaging) comparison.

Now let’s compare this reality to a Spanish teenager. This teenager frequents the type of outdoor swimming pool I visited in Madrid, and although they may well also get bombarded with sexualised images of only one type of tit, in reality, in their day-to-day life, they go to their local hang out with their friends, have a beer, go for a swim, and there, for all to see, are shamelessly displayed tits of all types. A tit for all occasions. A tit for…well, sunnier climbs. Old ladies with tits down to their knees. Young women with voluptuous, pert titties. There’s big, small, saggy, pert, flat, and poke-you-in-the-eye, tits. And people are chatting, two young attractive ladies are sitting by the pool in only their bikini bottoms, chatting, laughing, they see a friend (male) and wave. He strolls over, and, unembarrassed, he leans in for a kiss on the cheek to say hello. Here are normal tits. Normalised tits. Not sexualised. Part of the human body. Many and varied. Normalising the human body so that women are not only there to be ogled at, but to hang out, to get an all-over body tan just like the guys.

So I’m basically making a proposition. If you’ve stuck with me so far, well done, I am finally getting to a sort of point (why does everything sound like innuendo now?). My proposal is a sort of ‘Brits for tits’ movement. Bit of an awkward one, as in my initial proposal this movement would need to promote ‘tits for all weathers’, when clearly, there are certain weathers for which titty-bathing is definitely best avoided. You’d getter a proper chill in most of Britain, most of the time. Equally, promoting a ‘tit for all occasions’ does have its drawbacks. Tits aren’t for ALL occasions. Really. The idea that they can be normalised in a social situation for young and old is indeed inviting, however, plopping them out at dear old aunty Mabel’s 70th probably isn’t a wise move. ‘Brits for tits’ is morphing as I write into a more genteel, weather-dependent thing. Just for holidays maybe. Or your garden. A BBQ with friends. And nudist beaches…If you’re in to that sort of thing.

The most important message I would like to take from my recent holiday is that breasts need to be seen as normal, as a part of the human body, as functional-sometimes, and quite inert and uninteresting at others. As sexual, when we choose, but not as an unrealistic, objectified, ideal.

Yes, seeing as you’re asking, I did partake in a bit of titty-bathing myself, and though brief, my white-as-white headlamps, glowing in a sea of tan, felt all the better for it. And they merely added to the delightful array of varied tits already proudly on display. I’d recommend it. Preferably somewhere hot…