The Wooden Spoon

 

Setting:

A room, door to stage left – in middle of room is a table and two chairs with arms, one placed either side of the table, facing the audience – on one chair is the slumbering Sally, sat awkwardly due to the shape of the chair – on the table is a glass/crystal vase containing a number of wooden spoons with numbers painted on their bowls – at Sally’s feet is a washing up bowl and a towel is draped across her shoulder to catch drool

The lights come up to show Ed pacing quietly but excitedly, scattily about the room as if he were waiting impatiently for something. Gradually Sally begins to wake up with a hangover groan.

 

Sally: Wh...what time is it?

Ed: (looks quickly at his watch) Almost ten! Almost time!

Sally: (confused) Ed? What are you doing here? Where am I? (holding her head) How much did I drink? Almost time for what?

Ed: (jumping excitedly like a 5yr old) Almost time to go, Silly Sally!

Sally: Where am I Ed?

Ed: (spreads his arms out and turns 360 degrees) In the Rectagulon!

Sally: (quietly to herself) Silly me, I should have guessed. (Stands, walks to him, louder) Where-am-I-Ed?!

Ed: (As if to a child) The Rec-tag-u-lon! Take a seat and I’ll explain all. (Sally sits)

Sally: Well?!

Ed: I’ve done it!

Sally: (clearly not interested) Done what?

Ed: Finished my research! Remember, I told you I was on the verge of an historic breakthrough!

Sally: I think I remember you burping something drunkenly to me about it on Christmas Eve, yes.

Ed: So this is it!

Sally: This is what?

Ed: My time machine! (stands back open mouthed as if awaiting her astonishment)

Sally: This is about me dumping you two days before New year’s isn’t it? Well, you can have the fitness DVD you got me for Christmas back for a start.

Ed: None of that matters now you Silly old Sally Goose.

Sally: Don’t call me that.

Ed: Sorry. Look, this is how it works (grabs a wooden spoon out of the vase) We travel back to whatever year is painted on the spoon.

Sally: And?

Ed: Isn’t that enough?

Sally: There are only two figures on that spoon, 33. That could be any 33^rd year of any century, couldn’t it? If one presumes your Rectalgun works, which I don’t.

Ed: Rectagulon. And I can only traverse the twentieth century, anyway.

Sally: (sarcastically) Oh, brilliant. Genius.

Ed: (a bit offended) Got a time machine? No? Well, don’t criticise then. Now, hold on to your chair, this is about to get pretty freaky!

 

Ed sits in his chair, Sally tuts and holds the arms of her chair with a sigh.

 

Sally: You need help mate.

Ed: Hold on!

Sally: Involving electrodes.

 

Ed grabs one arm of the chair to hold on, and with the other waggles the wooden spoon about, and emits a whining squeal from his mouth as he throws himself about in the chair as if he were racing around bends in a car with no seat belt on. Sally remains quite still, arms crossed, looking at him and shaking her head.

 

Sally: Ed.

Ed: Wheeeee!!!

Sally: Never mind bloody ‘wheeeee’, just stop it. I want to go now. (Ed stops, slumps his head forward and doesn’t speak) Ed? Wake up, Ed.

Ed: (lifts his head and gazes wondrously about him) We’re here! We’ve made it! Einstein be praised!

Sally: We haven’t moved Ed.

Ed: (laughing) Of course we have. This room is now in the year 1933.

Sally: (puts her head in her hands) Right. Ok.

Ed: Hello! I say, hello?!

Sally:What?

A man’s voice, English accent, answers from offstage.

 

Voice: Hello?

Sally: What?!

Voice: Are you alright in there? You’ve just appeared in our lobby.

Ed: Yes, my friend! We are fine. Tell me, what is the year?

Sally: Oh for God’s sake!

Voice: It is 1933 stranger. Are you coming out of there?

Ed: I’m afraid not, pressure problems you see. Who are you?

Voice: I am glad you asked. I am Hans Gruber, of the Black Forest Gruber’s, and I am under-secretary to the German Electoral Commission.

Sally: Is that Dave from the garage?

Ed: (Quickly to Sally) No. (To ‘Hans’) How is the election going this year?

Sally: Is that you Dave?

 

There is a brief pause before he answers

 

Voice: um...no, I am Hans Gruber, of the Black For...

Sally: You don’t even sound German.

Voice: Yes, I do. I am a German fellow from Germany.

Ed: (whispers to Sally) Translation circuits in the walls. Explain later. (Louder) The election. Going fine, is it

Voice: Not bad...I mean, it is going well. Why do you ask?

Ed: I don’t have much time. Listen, don’t let the Hitler candidate continue in the election.

Voice: Why not?

Ed: Because it would be bad. It would be a very bad thing for him to continue. Very bad.

Voice: I’ll need more than that to go on. Any more information you can give me?

Ed: Sorry. Best not.

Voice: Fair enough. I will see what I can do Ed...I mean, stranger.

Sally: Give me strength!

Ed: Farewell my friend, and thank you.

Voice: Yeah, no worries.

Sally: ‘No worries? Oh, Jesus wept!

Ed: Hold on Sally! We’re heading back.

He pulls a wooden spoon with current year painted on it and repeats dramatic waggling of spoon and jerking about in the chair. Fed up, Sally gets up and begins pacing the room.

Ed looks up in horror.

 

Ed: (in slow motion) Noooo Saaaallly! Siiiit Dowwwn!

Sally: (hands on hips) Why are you talking like that?

 

Ed stops jerking and slumps his head forward for a few seconds before raising it to look around.

 

Ed: We’re back!

Sally: Tell me what all this is about or I’ll scream the place down.

Ed: Well, you wanted me to change so I thought what better way than to complete my life’s work and maybe change history for the better in the process

 

 Sally pulls out a mobile/cell phone out of her trouser pocket and began typing. She reads aloud.

 

Sally: 1933. Election of A. Hitler as Chancellor of Germany. What did you change, Ed?

Ed: Well, Han’s said he’d see what he could do, but that doesn’t mean he was successful, does it? And besides, you’re standing up just now probably interfered with any changes in the time continuum.

Sally: (closes her eyes) So let me get this straight. To get me back, you suggest that I may have inadvertently caused the holocaust?

Ed: (holds up his spread hands in contrition) Happy new year!

Sally: Look Ed. You need to sort yourself out, ok? Maybe I do still have feelings for you, but you just need to grow up before I can do anything about them, you know? (Ed nods sadly in understanding) Ok then, call me when you do. (she kisses him on the cheek)

 

Sally walks to the door – stage left – and exits.

 

Sally: (from offstage) Hello Dave.

Voice: Oh, alright Sal?

 

Ed stands up, walks to the table and replaces the wooden spoons. He looks up sharply and turns to stage left.

 

Ed: Dave! Do you fancy a little trip?!

Voice: Yeah, alright.

 

Scene goes dark. The end.